I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
