i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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