i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
