Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
