just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
