just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
