The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
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