There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Banned from zoo.
Again?
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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