the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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