I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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