Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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