if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
He has the fingertips of a God
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
