if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
