But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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