I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
