It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
