At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
