Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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