No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i dont even know how to be here
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
