forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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