I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
You smell like stripper and shame
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
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