It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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