I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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