My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
