Even the bartender felt bad for me
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Randomize
