So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
