im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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