A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
