I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
