Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
