Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
