Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Randomize