masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Randomize
