My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
