I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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