You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
