My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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