Do you still have your period?
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
