Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
