I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
