i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
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