if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Randomize
