I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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