So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
