I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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