If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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