Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Randomize
