Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
