she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize