also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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