Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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