we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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