Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Found the puke drawer
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
