Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Randomize
