someone threw a dead crab at me
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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