i always forget guys have bellybuttons
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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