Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
