2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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