I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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