My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I am available for nakedness
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
