i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
