You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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