you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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