The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
no you cant smoke seaweed
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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