Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
