So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
