My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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