Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
