The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
You pole danced in your parka.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
