i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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