I feel great
I just peed on a car
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
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