Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Thank you for not boning my boss.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
