I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
