So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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